date: may 3rd, 2025
hii sorry this isn't. quite on time. i forgot lol
i feel like i've been doing more recently, which is strange because mentally i think i honestly feel a bit worse.
i've been drawing a little more and i've actually been working on ocs both alone and with a friend of mine. (i also put pen ink in my hair again but my parents don't need to know about that HAHA)
i think i'll try to finish up the site before summer break which, fuck, is coming up isn't it? or it'll get finished over summer break in which case, expect lots of blog posts because i have wayyyy too much time every summer. i think that's meant to change next year though since i'll probably be getting my drivers license around then.. and a job
the end of the year is always really fucked up for me. i'm so scared of having so much time, i don't know what i'll do with it. it's horrible to think that my parents will come in liek "heyyyy what'cha doing :)" and we'll both just have to pretend they're actually interested and not just making sure i'm not watching porn or something. it's so annoying, i just want to be GAY ONLINE mother. fuck i really do sound like a teenager don't i? sigh.
uhhh what else? i've been listening to TUYU again recently, i really love Goodbye to Rock You and Even Tears Withered, i really relate to them lmaoo (and lynn now proceeds to talk about translated lyrics for as long as they can)
Goodbye to Rock You is about a girl saying goodbye to the ideal version of herself and accepting that she'll never live up to that. "goodbye to rock you / i've been trapped with you forever / and i always yearn for more" no matter how hard she tries to escape it, she's always stuck running to catch up to that ideal version of herself. the ideal version of herself always being unachievable because that's someone other than herself. "i intended to live a talented life / as an honors student but was hit with inferiority / my instincts tell me that something could be done / but it's not fair, i just wanted to be someone special" wanting to be good but never being able to because you don't have the fucking strength to actually work for something. always wanting to be good, but never putting the effort in to achieve it just because you wish you were talented "things changed, things changed / i realized, because i realized / i don't know a thing at all" and eventually realizing that all your time has gone to waste because you didn't understand a thing. "goodbye to rock you / surely i can't blossom / keep standing even if you're stepped on like a weed / i want to live in rock / so, this is goodbye / see ya" and eventually, the girl accepts that and tries to move on.
trying to say goodbye to the expectation that you'll grow into someone you aren't and trying to move on from always wanting to be someone else. i've been trying to accept that i'll never be what i wanted to be because all i've ever wanted to be is someone else. and trying to say goodbye to the wish that i'd be my parents' perfect daughter forever, or that i'd ever do anything at all. it seems as if no matter how hard i try to leave it behind, it's always still inside my head.
Even Tears Withered is about a girl who never truly wanted anything at all, except to be a good child for the sake of being a good child. "dreams / how do i find them? / i thought i was being good / i had perfect attendance at school" she wants to want something, even with little hardship in life and being the perfect child, she still can't find something to want. "i'd lived a life without any hardships / so i just believed without any doubts" despite a life without hardship, despite having an easy path forward, she doesn't have anything to look forward to because she herself never wanted anything. she never tried and just assumed everything would look out until she had to look failure in the face. "'Compared Child' / i listen to it, but there's no point / she's more successful, even while being 'inferior' / the blindfold is too tight, it won't come off" she's jealous of others hardships because, despite the fact that she knows it's wrong, she feels like maybe if her life had been more difficult, she could finally want somethnig. or she could at least have a reason for her uselessness. "don't look down on me with your earnestness / it's annoying / i'm so jealous of how you talk with passion / i'll just rot away at the very bottom of society / i'll jump in, dumbfounded / even my tears have withered away" she feels so jealous of other people's hardship because at least they know what to expect from life, at least they can deal with things. she can't respond to a simple problem like this "because" of her sheltered life. even with all her fucking privlege, she'll still rot away because of a lack in herself. "i was praised a lot when i was little / they all expected a lot from my future / i got new years money and presents / i wish that could go on forever / but the numbers go so visibly down" the girl was often spoiled and praised as a child for being so good and smart but as time goes on, that dwindles down to a halt. because she doesn't deserve them, because she doesn't need them. because she's not impressive anymore
i feel like Even Tears Withered describes me completely, i feel so jealous of other people for suffering and living a life while i just rot away here. and i'll rot away forever, because i never learned how to be a human being like everyone else. even if i know that this is unwarranted, even if i know i'm awful for romanticizing mental illness and trauma, i "can't" stop. at least everyone else has an explanation. at least everyone else has a passion. at least everyone else knows the world. i'm just fucking stuck here, rotting away with a luxury i'll never use. just always wanting but never truly trying or needing. always being selfish and bratty as a child and always being praised and indulged until you aren't anymore. because you're growing up and why haven't you grown out of that? why can't i grow out of my childish selfishness? why can't i ever want something like everyone else? god i sound fucking bitter. this is disgusting.
well. that's. it. some of that probably should have been saved for my diary LMAO. uhh. see you in two weeks i guess? fuck me, i don't know what to say for these HAHA. sorry for the abrupt ending???
Goodbye to Rock You translation i used because the original is kinda shit LMAO